Softening into Healing
One of the most profound lessons in healing is learning how to be gentle with ourselves, how to offer ourselves the same compassion we so freely extend to others.
You may think you are being gentle, but see if you can soften your attitude toward yourself—just 3% more. Notice where you hold tension, where you push yourself too hard, where an inner voice still carries a trace of self-judgment. What if you treated yourself with the same kindness you would offer a beloved friend? What if your only expectation for yourself today was to simply be?
Ram Dass Video - "Learning to Love Yourself"
Here is a video of Ram Dass talking about self-compassion. It’s just two minutes long, yet rich in wisdom. Don’t worry if you don’t absorb all of it at once—simply let it wash over you.
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Amari and The Soft Toy
Late in my healing journey, I bought myself a cuddly soft toy.
Take a moment to notice how you feel about the idea of getting a soft toy for yourself. Does it feel silly? Childish? Useless? A waste of time?
Do you believe that life is meant to be serious, that you must be serious?
Is it too childish or silly? Or too useless?
Is it a waste of time to do things that are not part of “work” and not a necessity in life?
Is life meant to be more serious? Are YOU meant to be more serious?
This would be something just for you to feel hugged and loved. Not a necessity.
Ah, but what if it is a necessity… to learn on this journey how to feel hugged and loved.
This is not about a toy. It is about allowing yourself to feel safe, to feel held.
And perhaps it is time for you to offer your inner child a gift.
I have now been traveling halfway around the world with a cuddly toy. This is long after I have recovered.
It reminds me that gentleness is a lifelong practice, not just something we do when we are in crisis.
And since I’ve used the word “necessity” so much here, I can’t help but share this song with you:
The Bare Necessities - The Jungle Book
How to Begin to Practice Gentleness
To begin your journey into gentleness it can help to know a little more of the “why” and a little more of the “how” so here are some recommendations for you.
The Nervous System Perspective
Gentleness is not just a kind sentiment—it is a crucial tool for regulating the nervous system. When we are caught in cycles of chronic illness, our bodies and minds often remain stuck in a state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This means the autonomic nervous system (ANS) is dysregulated, keeping us in survival mode instead of allowing us to rest and repair.
Small, compassionate acts—like holding a soft toy, listening to soothing sounds, or simply focusing our attention on breathing —signal to the nervous system that we are safe. They activate the parasympathetic branch of the ANS, often called the “rest and digest” system. When we treat ourselves gently, we are literally telling our bodies and minds: You are not in danger. You are safe.
The Brain Rewiring Perspective
Every thought we have, every moment of self-talk, reinforces neural pathways in the brain. If we have spent years speaking harshly to ourselves—pushing, striving, self-criticizing—those patterns are deeply ingrained. But the brain is not static or fixed. It is changeable, adaptable (plastic). Neuroplasticity allows us to rewire our habitual thoughts and responses.
Practicing gentleness is a way to interrupt old neural loops and create new ones. When we soften, when we allow ease, we are reprogramming the brain to expect safety instead of stress. Over time, this transforms not just our emotional state but also our physical health.
A small practice: Right now, take a deep breath and soften your shoulders. Wiggle them a little bit. Feel the release. This is rewiring happening in real time.
The Heart-Based Perspective
Healing is not something to be earned or achieved; it is the natural unfolding of who you already are. Just as the flower does not force itself to bloom, just as the river does not struggle to reach the ocean, your healing is not found in effort but in surrender.
Beloved one, rest. Be still. Allow yourself to receive. The love you have been searching for is already within you. The kindness you crave is your own to give. What if today, for just a moment, you let go of the struggle and simply sat in the knowing that all is well?
“Take care of your inner child. Protect your joy. Be deeply gentle with yourself.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
You're Doing Great
Congratulate yourself on the work you are doing. And consider: what would be gentle and kind for you to do next?
Being gentle to yourself doesn’t mean you have to go to bed. It means choosing an act of compassion—something that would make your inner 5-year-old smile.
